See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
