just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
