if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
