Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
