life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Text me some of your sweat
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
