I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
