I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
