the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Found your dick twin last night
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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