my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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