Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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