so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
