if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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