mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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