apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
