I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
