Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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