How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
