if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
