you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
