my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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