I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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