No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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