I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
