I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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