You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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