I think i peed on brittanys purse
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
