If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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