if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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