I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
