As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
