Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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