I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
4 words: hood of his car
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
