Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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