I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
wakey wakey hands off snakey
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
