haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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