There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
