WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
