He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
