he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
