Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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