As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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