So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I want her autograph on my taint
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
