Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
