I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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