please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Randomize
