If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
