I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
