when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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