I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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