How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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