Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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