I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
