I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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