suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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