Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
