Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
